Hi friends so My FEEL BETTER class is in session. And what they are learning is how to live from the inside out, how to decide for yourself what you want to think, and stop looking outside of yourself for the “right” answer. This is challenging. And why do you think this is challenging?? Because we have been taught that there is a rulebook somewhere of right and wrong. 

Today, we’re talking about one of the most powerful shifts you can make: letting go of the “shoulds.”
The rules you’ve inherited. The invisible checklist of what a good woman, good daughter, good employee, what a good friend should do.
And stick around for the end where I tell you exactly how to do this.

1. Why “Shoulds” Feel So Powerful

There is nothing wrong with rulebooks. Societies need rules to have order and cohesion. Good parents have rules that they enforce in their homes that are helpful for creating harmony. Teachers, same. Almost anyone in a position of leadership will establish standards and rules. The problem is that most people aren’t establishing and deciding upon their own rules, they just think there are RIGHT and WRONG ways that clearly everyone agrees with, and they never step into their own power to decide for themselves who they want to be, what they value. Abiding by right and wrong is disempowered, deciding what your values are is empowered.

For example, if you grew up with a mom who said you should write thank you notes, you probably write thank you notes because you think you should. Imagine instead that you decide that you are a person who wants to write thank you notes. That’s who you want to be—that there’s no right or wrong, you are simply choosing what you want for your life. It’s a small shift, but it’s everything. Choosing for yourself is empowered.  The problem is when you never choose for yourself consciously, you will keep believing that you are doing it right and others are doing it wrong, which is a frustrating way to live. You will also judge yourself harshly when YOU are doing it wrong, not doing what you should.  If you believe you “should” always be on time, you will feel guilty when you are not on time, coming from the ruling of some unnamed judge and jury that lives in your head. Instead of claiming that mantle for yourself—I am a person who prefers to be on time and I prefer it but it’s not always possible. One is disempowered, one is empowered.  One has more unnecessary suffering, one has less.

2. The Cost of Obeying the “Shoulds”

Living by “shoulds” seems safe — but it’s quietly disempowering.

• You outsource your authority. You keep checking: Am I doing it right? Do they approve?

• You judge others who break the rules. You think they’re wrong — which keeps you disconnected and resentful.

• You judge yourself harshly. Guilt becomes your default emotion because guilt says, “I’ve done something wrong.”

• You stop asking: Who do I actually want to be? You become a performer instead of a creator.

It’s exhausting. It keeps you on autopilot, living from the outside in. Playing by the “shoulds” will have you casting about outside of yourself for the answers.  

Now, becoming a person who is confidently choosing her life despite what anyone else thinks feels challenging. WHY?  Well, let’s look at how the brain works….it is always attempting to support you. So we sometimes have this HUGE emotional reaction to wanting to please others, we feel afraid if we think we have displeased someone. So this is easy to explain with evolutionary biology that over thousands of years, your brain learned and laid down the programming that staying alive meant being approved of, abiding by the should and should nots. The programming is strong—we can feel it! Now, imagine the additional programming for women who until pretty recently in evolutionary terms you literally needed men to stay alive—you couldn’t get a job, have a mortgage, get a credit card—you needed your father, your brothers, a husband. There’s a reason why people pleasing is so prevalent in women, it’s wired into our survival programming. (this is good to know because when you see it, you can change it, nothing is permanent about the way you think. You can change any of it, as long as you are aware of it. Mostly we’re not aware of it, it’s just running and instead of seeing it as programming we think we’re just whimps. We blame ourselves!) Women were granted so much freedom but still carry all of the old programming that says, maybe success is meant for other people not for me. I only know if I’m doing a good job if someone else says so, we have programmed limits on how much money we think we can make, lots of thoughts on what it means to be a good person, a good mother. So the bars came off the cage and we ventured a little outside and then confined ourselves again, this time by our own thoughts about what is possible for us.   All very innocent. It’s all running behind the scenes. I remember when I graduated from college in Indiana in 1984 I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do but I knew I wanted to live in Chicago and work downtown. So I went to an employment agency downtown, who ended up hiring me, every single woman who came through the door was given a typing test. I took it and TG I was really bad at it, and over the 9 months I worked there I never had a woman refuse. We and society still had self imposed limits on what was possible for us.

Empowered doesn’t mean you go get a good job and you are financially successful. Empowered means you are guided by what you want. That you consult your inner guide to navigate your life and believe that what you want is possible. Most women have been guided AWAY from this wisdom. There’s now a backlash that says women should prioritize getting married and having children---more shoulds…No. The entire point is to make up your own mind. You might agree with that, but own it as your own choice, not the right way. It sets up the false dichotomy that some people are doing it right and other people are doing it wrong. Your path is as unique as you are, I believe that to my soul.

3. What Empowered Living Looks Like Instead

Empowerment doesn’t mean rebellion for rebellion’s sake. It doesn’t mean ignoring kindness or tradition. It means owning your choices.

Instead of:

“I should write thank-you notes.”
Say:
“I want to be a person who expresses gratitude in writing. That matters to me.”

Instead of:

“I should always be on time.”
Say:
“I value punctuality. I prefer to be on time.”

Instead of:

“I should never disappoint other people.”

Say: “I am someone who wants to live up to my responsibilities, AND I will change direction when needed when I like my reasons.”

Instead of:

“I should be nice.”

Say: “I value politeness and integrity. I will not betray myself to keep someone else comfortable.”

One is obedience and playing small.  The other is ownership and personal expansion. This will not happen TO you. You will have to use your free will to choose it.

4. How to Start Ditching the Shoulds

Here’s a simple practice:

1. Notice the “should.”
   Anytime you hear yourself say I should… or I shouldn’t…, pause.

2. Ask: Who decided this?
   Is this a value you consciously chose — or something you inherited from parents, culture, religion, work? Is this a super vague “should”—like don’t disappoint people. Really? People in your life should never experience disappointment, and you should live your life making sure you are never the culprit? Sometimes we are repeating sentences because we heard them as children, but as an adult it is your JOB to make that sentence more concrete.

3. Re-write it and re-decide.
   Do you want to keep it? If yes, own it, and re-write it to make it work in your life. I choose this because it matters to me, and I give myself grace to deviate because that’s life. No more black & white should statements. Life is not black & white, life is lived in the grey and you get to decide what shade of grey. Notice where you are saying things like—I should eat better, I should make more money than I do, I should be further ahead than I am. These aren’t value statements, you aren’t speaking the truth, these are criticisms of you. That you should be different. They are thoughts that create so much pain, they have no upside.  Dropping criticism of yourself is the fastest way to uplevel your life, it’s a life hack. You do not need to do work on this, you can decide right now, no mas, I am not beating myself up anymore. You don’t even have to know what you’re going to replace it with just decide you’re going to STOP doing that.  BTW When you stop, I promise, the replacement thoughts will arise naturally.

4. Expect discomfort.
   Your nervous system may send fear signals — because approval once meant survival. It’s now the opposite. Remind yourself: I’m safe even if someone disapproves.

5. Experiment small.
   My Feel Better students know that I advocate for nudging the expansion of your comfort zone, rather than leaping way outside of it….Try saying no to one “should” this week. Notice the relief — and the old fear that comes up. It’s just old programming. You could also start small by rewriting a should with a prefix that is something like, “I am learning that I can be nice and kind and also honest.” Or “I believe it’s possible that I could honor my opinion as much as I honor other people’s.” A thought you can believe now that starts loosening  the grip on a should that feels really hard to drop. You move in the direction of better. 

This is what my FEEL BETTER students are practicing — living from the inside out.
Not rebellion for the sake of it, but thoughtfully empowered.
When you stop obeying “shoulds,” you stop outsourcing your life and You start creating it.

Okay, that’s what I have for you, and I will see next time.